The Elephant in the Room
by americalovesthecockpit
Summary: America and Canada are at the mall and find themselves at Spencer's Gifts. In the adult section! They joke about the things there and have a lulzy time. But then America sneaks a couple of the items home with them ... Silly, cracky AmCan!


This fic is for America's Nantucket :)

Also I wanted to say that all the products mentioned in this fic are one hundred percent real. I didn't make any of them up … believe it or not. So yes, you can actually buy them. If you feel so inclined …

Written in America's POV!

X

"Hggghhh, yessss, so good," I said, having a mouth-gasm all over the place.

I was sitting in a little plastic chair at a little plastic table, across from Canada. Who looked all kinds of grossed out watching me eat. I don't know why. Shoving the whole thing in your mouth at once is the proper way to eat a Cinnabon!

We were at the food court at the mall. We'd originally come for Canada to get something, but then I saw Cinnabon, and was like MMM YEAH CINNABON and now he had to wait. He wanted to go to Brookstone and buy one of them massage chairs. You know, the ones that are like 2000 dollars?

Yeah. I don't get it either. Seems to me there's a lot better things you can do with 2000 dollars. That sure could buy a lot of Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell! (Those are the kinds where they use a Dorito for the taco shell) (I LIVE MAS!)

"Why do you want a massage chair, anyway?" I asked Canada.

"Oh, I dunno," he sighed. "I've just been kinda stressed lately and thought it might do some good."

My mouth was still full of deliciousness. "Aren't you afraid of popping a boner from the vibrations?"

Canada gave me a weird look. "… no?"

"Well, you should be. It's a very easy thing to do."

"Oh God … you've done it?"

"No." Canada looked relieved, but then I nodded to the middle of the food court. "Not a Brookstone massage chair. I got a boner on one of them."

Canada looked. At the little play section in the middle of the food court where they put those kiddy rides where you put a quarter in them and they move back and forth. There were horsies, an elephant, a car, and a bus. LOL WTF who wants to ride a bus?

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Canada. "You got an erection riding one of _those_ things? !"

"HAHAHA!" I LOL'ed. "NO! Pfft, I can't believe you believed me. Like my fat ass can even fit on one of them things."

"Oh …"

Canada's so gullible, haha.

So I finished up my Cinnabon and we headed toward Brookstone. Ahh, Brookstone. The mecca of super overpriced crap you never knew you needed but once you see it you JUST GOTTA HAVE IT. That's how I ended up with lights on my grill. Who the hell needs lights on their grill? Who grills in the dark? And if you do, don't you have lights on your porch or whatever? That's what I thought. Then I bought lights for my grill and suddenly I found myself grilling in the dark and the porch lights not enough. I neeeeeded those grill lights … somehow. LOL my neighbors hate me.

"I wanna get one of them ant farms," I told Canada as we walked along the mall. "They sell them there."

"Those are for kids," said Canada.

"Um, it says eight _and_ _up_. I'm up."

"You're _way_ up."

"Up is up."

"They mean 'up' like for older children, but it's still for children."

"That's what they said about Up. The movie. But guess what? I still liked it!"

Just then, as we were walking, I saw something that caught my eye. In the window of one of the stores. I gasped really loud like GAAAAAAAASP :O and then I pressed my face up against the glass.

"What?" asked Canada. "What is it?"

Okay. So y'all have heard of the AMAZING invention called the Snuggie? The blanket with sleeves! It's so awesome, that since its invention there's been all kinds of knock-offs. The Coz-E, the Slanket, whatever generic brand you find at the drugstore. And of course, there's been different versions of the real Snuggie. Kinds with sport teams (because apparently people really do go to sports games and sit in the bleachers wearing those things, LOL!) and Snuggies For Dogs (What do dogs need their arms free for? They don't even got arms.)

But _this._ This topped them all. The ultimate seme of Snuggie and Snuggie-related products. Boys and girls I present to you …

THE TUGGIE.

What is that, you ask? Well, this is their slogan: "The fuzzy sock that warms your cock."

In other words, a Snuggie for your penis!

It was stylish leopard print and made from the same glorious polyester that Snuggies are made from. The picture on the box was a dude from the waist down, wearing it on his boner. Weird to think he got a boner just to put a Tuggie on it and take a picture in front of his couch. (Yeah, his couch was in the background for some reason.)

"Oh. My. LAWD," I said to Canada, still pressing my face into the glass. "I must have one."

Canada looked where I was staring in AWE. He looked very confused. "Is … is that for your _penis?_"

"And the balls." Tears of joy were streaming down my face. "THEY DIDN'T FORGET THE BALLS!" :'D

"'As seen on TV'?" Canada read off the box. "What kind of TV plays ads like that …"

Canada probably kept talking, but I didn't hear the rest. I was jamming outta there and into the store as fast as I could. When I ran in I realized what store it was: Spencer's. Home to funny t-shirts, cheaply made sex toys, and random stoner crap that no one would buy unless they were high as a kite. (What sober person really needs those black light pictures of mushrooms? I mean, seriously. Y'all ain't fooling no one. Throw away that doobie, you hippie.)

Canada finally caught up with me in the store. I was standing there holding the Tuggie box in my hand, looking over it.

"I'm so getting this," I said.

"What the heck is it for?" he asked. "I mean, do people really have an issue with their penises being too cold?"

"Uh, _yes_, duh!" I said as if it was obvious. "You of all people should know! You live in a goddamn igloo!"

"I _don't _live in an igloo!" he bitched, all pissed off.

"Don't you get cold in your igloo? And get some shrinkage? Nothing's worse than when your junk shrivels because it's balls cold." (George Costanza knows what I'm talking about. HE WAS IN THE POOL!)

"I said I don't live in an igloo! And even if I did, I WEAR CLOTHES!"

Canada just didn't get the awesomeness that is the Tuggie. Sometimes you just need to warm up your ding-a-ling, ya know? You're probably thinking, "America, if your dangle is cold, why don't you just wear some underwear?" Well, that's a stupid question. Way to go, you. I mean, you don't ask a person wearing a Snuggie "If you're cold, why don't you just use a regular blanket?" WELL DUH!

Snuggies and Tuggies are COOLER. And KEWLER. (Remember when people used to spell it like that? Back in the early 2000's? What a lovely time. I miss you AOL and your shitty free trial CD's. Or was that the 90's …)

The Snuggie is the blanket WITH SLEEVES! And the Tuggie is the fuzzy sock that warms your cock! Ooh, I love this new slogan already! :D

I looked up from the Tuggie box and realized where I was standing. I was a little shocked.

PENISES

PENISES EVERYWHERE

"Whoa! Haha," I said as I startled. "There are a lot penisy things here."

Canada glanced around. "Uh … yeah. There are."

We were standing beside the bachelorette party section. Boy, they sure can make ANYTHING shaped like a penis these days! There were shot glasses with penises on them, straws with little plastic penises on them, necklaces with penises on them, and ice cube trays where the holes were shaped like penises so that when you made your ice it would be penis shaped. They had a penis shaped cake mold too! So you could bake a cock cake. (Someone should give that to the blind chef during one episode of that Master Chef show … for the lulz.)

My favorite one though? Penis shaped gummies. Like instead of gummy bears, they were gummy boners. LOL nice.

"Haha, you hungry, Canada?" I asked, pointing to the gummy penises. "There's a snack for you!"

"Whyyyyy …" was all Canada said as he stared at them.

"They're penis flavored."

"Yummy," he replied sarcastically.

Haha, just kidding. They're not really penis flavored! LOL could you imagine? Some food company trying to perfect the perfect blend of salty and man musk to get it juuuust right? And then they still receive complaints. Someone calls up, "Uh, yeah, I tried your penis gummies and they DO NOT taste like penises! I have tasted a lot of penises and your product does not satisfy me!" It'd be impossible to be a phone operator and not LOL at that, am I right?

I looked around some more. There were lots of sex toys too! Gosh, it would be embarrassing to buy a sex toy IRL. It's much better to do it online without the walk and check-out of shame. Seems like something you'd have to buy something else with. Like you couldn't just walk up there with your one sex toy. You'd gotta go up there like "Yeah, I'm just buying this keychain and this funny bumper sticker and also this butt plug." Like you didn't plan to buy that butt plug – you came for the keychain and bumper sticker OF COURSE but since you're there …

And the cashier plays along but _he knows_. He knows you just wanted that butt plug. But it's all cool.

Anyway, I looked at all the toys. They had dildos and vibrators and Bullets and love eggs and cock rings. You know, standard stuff. You know because you've looked before, hehe.

"HAHA, CANADA!" I exclaimed, grabbing one of the products off the shelf. "This vibrator glows in the dark!"

Canada made a confused face :/ "Why would anyone need it to glow in the dark?"

"DUH! To see what you're doing to yourself! Just like when I grill in the dark. I mean — not that I'm doing anything to myself while I grill but still. Same difference."

"Even if you have the lights off, I still feel like you could do fine by touch alone …"

"WELL! If you had two of them you could pretend you're on Star Wars and have a light saber fight, haha!"

George Lucas would approve of THAT foreplay! :D

Suddenly, Canada, who was trying to back up, tripped over a blow-up doll. He stumbled but caught himself. "Oops."

"HAHAHA!" It's so funny when people trip, am I right? "Smooth move."

"Stupid blow-up doll …" he muttered.

"I had a blow-up doll once," I said, looking back all reminiscingly. "Popped her the first time I used her."

"Jeez!" exclaimed Canada. "Just how rough were you? !"

"I wasn't rough! I didn't even get to start! She popped as soon as I climbed on top of her."

If you're thinking of fat jokes, STFU. I'm not fat. That was just one cheaply made blow-up doll, okay? ! Also I hate how blow-up dolls always have a :O face. I mean I know it's so you can stick your dick in there, but it just makes them look like they're constantly super surprised. It's like CALM DOWN. You crazy puppet thing.

Looking around some more, I found something else that caught my eye. It's called "Clone Your Guy." This is how it works. You get 'your guy' good and hard. Then you put a mold around his penis. Then you fill the mold and let it harden. (Neglecting your guy who was already hardened himself, haha.) Then, voila! You got your very own dildo the exact size and shape of him! You know, for all those times a woman wants sex but the guy doesn't.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL

That was a joke. Guys always want some sexings, am I right?

Maybe it would work for two dudes. Gays love arts and crafts! :D

"Hey, Canada," I said, cracking up. "Lemme clone yo dick."

"What a weird product …" he said, staring at it. "And we're already twins …" He mumbled that part.

"Huh? Our penises look the same then?"

"I-I'm assuming!" he said all nervously.

"Hmm …"

We looked around some more. There were lots of edible things. Edible underwear and stuff. Like candy underwear, mmm. Then I saw the best one: a marshmallow bra!

Yeah, you read that right! It was a bra that had little candies for the straps, and then marshmallows for the cups. My mouth watered just looking at the pictures. And not even because of the tits, because of the food, LOL.

"Wanna eat that off of me?" I said jokingly to Canada.

"Oh yeah," Canada replied sarcastically. "Because you'd look so good in women's underwear."

"You know I would. I'd wear the matching candy thong to go with it … pfffft."

"Haha. America, you're crazy …"

The gummy panties looked like they tasted better, but I gotta match. You gotta accessorize, DUH! But mmm, marshmallows. Whoever was sitting around one day eating marshmallows and thought to themselves "This would go great with some nips" was a genius indeed.

Hehe … do y'all remember England's marshmallow song? The one where it sounds like he's summoning the devil? He'd have to rewrite it into a sexy version for this bra. It's not getting hot because of flames, it's getting hot because YOU'RE getting hot! If ya know what I mean, hehe.

"How do cock rings work?"

I was quite surprised Canada suddenly asked me that. He was staring at one of them with this WTF look on his face.

"You put them around your penis."

"Well, I knew _that!_" said Canada.

"Haha, I dunno! I never used one! Haha, why don't you buy one and try it out?"

"Yeah," he said sarcastically. "I'll just slip it on and see what happens."

"There ya go." I pointed to this little sign on the shelf. "No returns though. It says so right here."

Spencer's really felt the need to make a sign to say that items like that can't be returned if opened. Was this really a problem? Were people bringing in crusty dildos and such? I mean, eew.

"Can't return that either." He pointed to something I hadn't seen yet. But when I did, I got super excited.

"FINGER PAAAAINT!" I exclaimed excitedly. "Cool beans!"

Not just any finger paint. _Sensual _finger paint. How is that different from regular finger paint? Regular finger paint you use to make a picture for your daddy. Sensual finger paint you use while _calling out_ "Daddy" ;)

"People do this?" asked Canada. "I don't see how that's a turn on …"

"Aw, come on. Isn't getting paint accidentally in your holes super sexy?" I joked.

"Pfft, yeah. And having it dry and having to wash it off."

"Imagine if it didn't come off. That'd be an interesting next day of work, haha! I mean, not that your boss looks at your penis but still …"

"Haha."

They had a whole rainbow of colors! SO BRIGHT, SO VIVID.

"Look at this," said Canada. "I've never heard of such a thing."

He pointed to this little bottle. I squinted my eyes and read it. It was 'oral antiseptic throat spray.'

What was this doing in the sexy section, ya wonder? Well, it said so right on the bottle. You spray it down your throat, and it makes your throat numb. So that you can do deep throat without it hurting.

YES, THAT IS WHAT IT ACTUALLY SAID!

It was _specifically_ designed so that the user could take a whole dick without it being painful. Wow. The person who came up with that idea must have gotten a little kinky while they had a cold! I've taken a similar product for a sore throat. You can get it at drugstores (along with Snuggie knock-offs.) Someone had a cold and took their meds and was suddenly like "OMG. I CAN DEEPTHROAT NOW." Ugh. You have a cold, dummy. Way to spread your germs!

"Do you think it works?" asked Canada.

"Sure it works," I replied. "_Temporarily_ … but it ain't gonna help much the next day, haha!"

"Oh … you think it still does damage to the throat then?"

"Pffft … why are you asking? You wanna try it?" I teased.

"N … no! I'm just curious!"

"Suuuure."

LOL, I love teasing Canada. It's just so darn EASY.

Then I saw a product that was so awesome it was almost as awesome as the Tuggie. But not quite. I mean, nothing can top the Tuggie. But it's close!

It was thong underwear where for the penis part, it was shaped like an elephant! Yep, you stuff your cock into a cloth elephant! The trunk is the penis part, hehe.

"HAHAHAHA!" I LOL'd. "Canada, look! An elephant penis … sock thing!"

Canada face-palmed. "Oh my God."

"HAHAHA! It's just so funny! AN ELEPHANT! On your PENIS! It's like your penis is a puppet!"

I love puppets, you guys. Sesame Street REPRESENT.

"I just don't get it," said Canada. "I mean, who is that _for?_ No one is gonna be turned on by that."

Snuffaluffagus would. He's an elephant … mammoth … thing. Whatever, he has a trunk and is a puppet too.

"It's for the lulz, Canada."

_Everything_ was for the lulz. Everything we said since we entered the store. We were just messing around, ya know. Not taking anything serious.

(Well, except the Tuggie. That _is_ serious business.)

Mmmyep. One hundred percent joking around. You don't gotta be suspicious that I sent Canada away to look at the posters while I went to the register. Noooo. Don't be silly.

X

"Hehehe," I snickered in my bedroom as I took off my pants.

We were back at my house now. Canada got his expensive vibrating chair, and I got my Tuggie. He sat in the living room reading the instruction manual as I changed in my room.

But not into the Tuggie. Oh no. It was too hot for that that evening. Didn't wanna get schweatty balls! Ball sweat is gross.

What did I change into?

Why, that elephant penis thing of course.

Now I know what you're thinking. "America, you lied to me!" Yeah, I did. I'm sorry. I trolled you and that's how I roll.

And I was gonna troll Canada too. For some lulz. I took off all my clothes and just put the elephant thing on. I looked at myself in the mirror.

"SEXY!" I said about myself. "But it needs … something …"

Then it hit me. THE MARSHMALLOW BRA!

Oh, that'd be so funny! Me in women's clothes. Pffft. Guys wearing women's clothes is always funny, right? I hoped I'd fit …

I put it on and whaddaya know! It DID fit! In fact, it felt kinda nice. I had some support. I mean, not that I got any moobs going on. Of course not. That's all muscle. It's just … easier on my back. Or something.

This was perfect. I snucked outta my room and made my way down the hallway. I peeked around the corner of the living room, where Canada still sat on the couch reading the chair's instruction manual.

Without warning, I jumped in front of him.

"BAROOOOOOOOOO!" I yelled as I jumped.

(That's the sound an elephant makes.)

"GAHHH!" startled Canada. He looked up and his eyes got huge like O_O

"HAHAHAHA!" I laughed. "Got ya!"

"The HECK? !"

I kept LOLing, standing there in nothing but the marshmallow bra and elephant penis cover. "Pfft, oh God, that was so funny! You should have seen YOUR FACE!"

"Why are you wearing that? !" Then he realized. "Wait — why did you _buy_ those things? !"

"For the lulz," I said, closing my eyes in seriousness.

Totally worth it.

"Hey." I opened one eye as I ran my fingers along the candy bra strap. Sensually."Wanna snack?"

"Haha … America, you really are crazy."

I kept running my fingers on the strap. Then I pulled a little, to give Canada a little more to see underneath. But when I did that, the strap broke and the candy went EVERYWHERE! All the little pieces scattered all over the room.

"Oops." Well, I ain't cleaning that up. That'd take forever. So I shouted "WHALEY!" real loud. Dog owners know what I'm talking about. You spill food on the floor, you ain't cleaning that crap up. You yell your dog's name and they come and lick it up for you, am I right? I do the same thing with Whaley. He came and started eating the candies off the floor. "Goooood Whaley," I said, petting him.

"That can't be good for him, eh?"

"Don't tell me how to take care of my pet!"

Canada took a moment to reply. I caught him staring at my crotch.

"Like what you see~?" I teased.

"Huh? Oh! Sorry — I was distracted by ... the elephant."

"The elephant? Riiiiight …" I wiggled my eyebrows. "You know you wanna see my junk in this trunk." (The elephant's trunk, I mean. )

"Um …"

"You know you wanna see what else I bought at Spencer's."

"You bought something else? !"

I waved him off. "Just for fun! Here, lemme find it …" I raced back to the bedroom, then returned to a very confused looking Canada with a plastic bag. I pulled something out. "TA-DA!"

Canada stared at it. "The finger paint?"

"Yeah, dude! I thought it was funny."

"You're just going to make a mess …"

Canada's such a negative Nancy. Of course I'm gonna make a mess. It's finger painting, DUH! But that's what God invented iRobot Scoobas for. Those are like Roombas, but instead of being a robot vacuum, it's a robot mop. I got one of each because they're so cool. But sometimes they get stuck in corners and can't get out, and they play this distressed song so I can find them and help them. It always upsets me to hear that song! I'm like "COME HERE MY PRECIOUS BABY I'LL SAVE YOUUUUU" and then I hug it.

I was getting the finger paint out of the packaging. "Come on, it'll be funny."

Canada looked unsure. "But you have carpeting …"

I popped open the green paint and held it up. "And you got on a shirt."

His eyed widened. "Oh no. OH NO. Don't you squirt me with that!"

"Hehe, I am!"

Canada ran, and I chased him. I chased him through the house LOLing like crazy. Which I'm sure looked hilarious, considering I wasn't wearing anything but that elephant penis puppet. That trunk was bouncing all over the place!

Finally, I cornered him in the kitchen. In … well … a corner, duh. Beside the fridge.

I held up the paint again. "I'm gonna get you~"

"No, don't!" said Canada.

"If you don't wanna get paint on your shirt, why don't you take it off?"

He hesitated. "America …"

I squeezed and just a little green paint came out. I was grinning all big :D

"Okay, okay! Jeez!" Canada grabbed the bottom of his shirt. "I'll take it off."

As soon as Canada's shirt hit the floor, I sprayed him with the paint.

"EH! !" said Canadian Canada.

"I didn't get it on your shirt, calm down!"

I tossed the green aside. Because I used it all! Canada was so green! Like that guy on the can of beans, though not as hunky.

"Careful!" he said. "You're going to get it on my pants!"

"So take your pants off."

He looked so shocked! Then I held up the red paint like :D So then he just sighed. "FINE. I'll take them off."

"Hehehe."

He took off his pants and threw them across the room. Then he just had on some boxers.

"Do you want your boxers to get paint on them?" I asked.

"I'm not taking off my boxers!"

_SQUIRRRRRRT_

I squirted the red paint. All over Canada's chest, where the green the paint was.

Canada shivered. "I-it's cold."

I tossed the red away because I'd used all of that too. "I can tell. You got goosebumps and hard nips."

Canada crossed his arms from the cold. But that just made his arms get covered in the paint too!

"I bet you wish you had a Tuggie right about now, huh?" I asked.

"H-how would that help my chest? !"

Hmm. I guess it wouldn't. That would be the Snuggie's job. But I didn't wanna break out my Snuggie for him right then. First off, I wouldn't wanna get paint on it. I'm kinda afraid to put that thing in the wash, despite how much it needs it because of all the food and crap I've dropped on it. And secondly, I had a better idea how to warm Canada up.

"BODY HEAT!" I exclaimed as I pounced on him.

"EH? !"

I tackled him to the floor. Yep, knocked him right down. So that I was on top of him, hehe.

I straddled him and placed my hands on his chest. Right above his nipples. They were all hard from the cold paint.

"So cold~" I said as I felt him.

"Auugh my back …" whined Canada.

I squeezed his nipples in my fingers. He flinched when I did that. "We need to warm these up!"

The Snuggie people need to make a bra. The bra with … sleeves? Or something? I dunno, I'm not a GENIUS like those people. I'm sure they could come up with something that would BLOW MY MIIIIIND.

"Ahh!" startled Canada, arching a little.

I let go of his nipples. I slid my palms down his chest, smearing the paint. I smeared it on purpose. But then I realized something …

Red and green do not mix well together. They make brown :/

Eeew.

"Aww, I wanted to paint a picture on you," I pouted. "Right here on your chest."

"A _picture?_ Of what?"

"I dunno. A penis or something, haha!"

You know what's funny? Drawing penises on official documents. I've done that a couple times during World Meetings, pfft. Like one time we were talking about something boring like the environment and I had to turn in my plan to help. Well, I'd spent the whole night on tumblr looking at cat gifs so I never really did mine. I scribbled something down about recycling and wind chimes (I had meant wind _mills _but screwed it up) and then drew a penis with big hairy balls at the bottom. Germany read it and was like "Hmmm, yes, recycling — what the — HUUGGGGUUUUUHHH" He makes weird noises when he gets fuming mad! But I was in trouble anyway for BSing my homework, might as well have some fun, am I right?

Even though Japan saw it and was like "No, America. That is not how you draw a penis. Here, let me show you." I was like WUT :I

"Maybe if I add more paint …" I wondered out loud.

Suddenly _I _felt cold. GASP. Canada had found my secret paint stash! GRRRRR!

"Yellow? !" I exclaimed, looking down. I was covered in yellow paint. "Now I look like someone whose liver is failing or Homer Simpson!"

"It was the first one I could reach," said Canada. He was pinned underneath me, after all. He couldn't get to much. "Now we're almost even."

"Almost?"

Canada reached up and grabbed my chest. I squeaked because I didn't expect that! Then he grabbed MY nipples! And pinched them really, really hard!

"Ahhhh!" I yelped. "My nips!" If only I still had that marshmallow bra still on for protection …

Canada let go. I bet my nipples would have been red if they hadn't been painted all yellow! Ouch dude …

Canada let his hands slide down my chest, like I had done to him. He swirled the paint in his fingers. And kept swirling and swirling. Then I realized he was writing a word.

I looked down. Took me a minute since it was upside down, but it said: "Canada."

"You dummy," I said. "_I'm _America. _You're_ Canada." Psssh, no one has made THAT mistake before!

"I wasn't labeling you," he said. "I was claiming you."

"What!" I startled. "Oh no you don't!" I grabbed another thing of paint. This time blue. I opened it and squirted it all over myself. To cover up the word "Canada"! Then I mixed it real good, to make sure it was gone.

And I made green again! :O

Oh yeeeeah. Blue and yellow DO make green, don't they?

Well, damn. I'm losing all my colors! I wanted this to be like a rainbow. Both of us. Both of rainbows, like a double rainbow. And it'd be SO BRIGHT, SO VIVID. You know … like SO INTENSE. What does it mean? (That we used a lot of finger paint.)

So in order to keep the blue, I squirted it where I hadn't squirted much other paint: at Canada's boxers.

"Whoa!" he startled. "You got the paint on my boxers!"

"That's what God invented Tide for." Mmm Tide. One of the best smells in the world, am I right? I'd sniff Canada's boxers all day if they smelled like Tide.

"You just want me to take them off!"

"Noooo~" I teased.

"Look …" sighed Canada. He looked away. And things got SERIOUS. "Can we please just talk about … well … the elephant in the room here?"

I knew exactly what Canada meant. Funny enough, he meant both figuratively AND literally! Because that elephant thing I wore on my penis looked a little different now. The trunk was way bigger, IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Soooo the elephant in the room was that my elephant trunk meant I had a boner. And the other elephant in the room? This had gone past just derping around. We'd just been joking around before, but somehow, undressing and rolling around and rubbing paint on each other had been kinda sexually stimulating.

It was getting harder and harder (literally for my penis, LOL) to pretend this was all a joke.

So I just blurted it out. "Are you getting horny too?"

Canada blinked. He looked nervous. But then he too suddenly blurted out, "Yes!" He looked away again, all embarrassed. "I-I don't even know why. I mean, all this stuff is so stupid, I was just joking around …"

"Mmm-hmm." I was sitting on him at this point. Hope he didn't mind …

"I mean, I don't even think we're using the paint correctly. Surely it's more sensual than this."

"Yeah, we were kinda just screwing around, haha."

"And yet … somehow …" Canada squirmed underneath me. "All I can think about is what's underneath that elephant."

Suddenly, I jumped off of him. And raced out of the room. I quickly came back. Canada was sitting on the floor, covered in brown paint, looking very confused.

"Why did you leave?" he asked.

I had a plastic shopping bag with me. My goodie bag, hehe. "I bought something else!" I said. "CHECK IT OUT!"

Canada was smiling nervously when he looked. Then he saw it and was like D:

"The throat spray? !" he exclaimed. "Of all the things to buy? ! You bought THAT? !"

I fiddled with it in my hand. "I wanted to try it out …"

"You could have bought any of the toys …" he said. "Vibrators, the eggs, cock rings … but no. You picked the throat spray!"

"Quit yer bitching," I told him. "You wanna do this or not?"

He hesitated. He looked like he was thinking about it a lot. The more he thought, the redder he blushed.

"Well?" I said.

"Um …" He still looked like he was thinking on it. "… who would be doing it to who?"

I gave the air a taste spray. Just to make sure the bottle worked properly. PSSSSST! it said. Yep, it worked. "Both. Let's 69 each other."

Then Canada went as red as the red paint! Well, before it got mixed with the green and turned all yucky brown.

"Oh God," said Canada. "… all the blood just went down south when you said that."

69 is my favorite number! ! :D

"Guess I'll have to get rid of this, huh?" I pointed to the elephant.

Canada nodded. Very quickly. "Y-yes."

I wrapped my fingers around the top of the thong strap. Then I looked at Canada with this sexy look, licking my lips, as I started to slowly, slowly slide it down.

"Haha," laughed Canada, totally hurting my feelings. "Don't even try to be sexy with that elephant."

It worked to get him hard so far :I

I got it off and Canada tried to play it cool but it was an epic fail for him. He was totally checking out my package.

"TA-DA!" I said, pointing to my penis.

Canada laughed again, and waved me over.

As I walked over, I sprayed the throat stuff into my mouth. Just a couple quick squirts. To be honest, I can already do deepthroat without it hurting. I don't got much of a gag reflex anymore. But I had the stuff there, might as well use it.

I got on my knees at Canada's feet. "Here," I said as I handed him the spray. "Don't let it touch your mouth. I don't wanna get your germs and stuff."

Canada gave me a look. "You're aboot to put my cock in your mouth and you're worried about saliva germs?"

"Oh … oops. Didn't think about it like that!"

Canada gave himself a couple sprays. I was watching like yeeeeah get yourself nice and numb. So I can go deeeep. Deep like deep dish pizza, mmm.

When he got enough sprays, he set the bottle aside.

"The paint is already starting to dry," he sighed.

"Don't worry about that," I said. "And turn around and lie down."

Canada was sitting facing me. So he turned around and lay down flat on the floor. Then I climbed on top of him, so that I was above him facing the other way.

Hells yeah. 69 position! (I was the 6.)

"Oh, I guess I need to get these off," said Canada as he started to tug off his painty boxers.

"I'll do it~" I said. I pulled them down and off with one hand. Then tossed them across the room.

Aw, man. Good thing I did use that throat spray! Canada was pretty big! And hard as a rock. Like Chevy. LOL their slogan is "Like a rock." It's like, really? You know we're gonna think about boners when you say that.

I was still gaping in awe when I felt some rustling between my own legs. It was Canada, grabbing at my cock.

"My whole mouth feels numb," he said. "Even my tongue. So … I'm sorry if I'm not very good."

My tongue was kinda numb too. Stupid spray! Numbing everything. Even the things that shouldn't be numbed. Well, at least it didn't make our penises numb, am I right? That's what they invented condoms for. (Condoms take away all the sensation!)

As I was thinking about how them Trojan people are total liars with their "BareSkin" condom BS (you know what's BARESKIN? Actually BARE-BACKING IT!) I felt it. I felt Canada slide me into his mouth. I also felt him hit the tip of my cock against the corner of his mouth, _then _put it in right. LOL, smooth move. But I forgave him since he's all numb.

Mmm yeah. My penis was very happy when he did that! So warm and wet nggghh …

Even if Canada's tongue was sliding all around blindly like crazy. Since it couldn't feel and all. He was trying — oh how he was trying! And I appreciated the effort. Weird tongue movement on your cock is better than no tongue movement on your cock!

Which I realized was what I was giving to Canada. Well, I gotta keep it fair. 69 is give and take. So I grabbed Canada's dick and gave it lick on the tip.

I felt his lips tighten around me and he whined a little when I did that. Guess he liked it :D

So I did it again. Then I opened wide and thrust my head down. Way down. I don't mess around. I don't have much gag reflex AND I took that spray. I could do this. I deepthroated him right from the start.

… proooobably should have built it up though.

Canada started choking and sputtering around my cock. And it wasn't from pain. He was numb. It was from shock and pleasure! I'm sure his penis was super happy too! Like YAAAAY DEEPTHROAT! And not the Nixon Watergate revealer Deepthroat. No, the good kind. The take-your-cock-all-the-way-to-the-hilt-kind.

Canada was squirming but I kept going. Bobbing my head up and down on his cock. Taking the whole thing like a boss. Sliding him all the way down to my throat muscles. My throat was gonna be killing me tomorrow …

Then I spat him out for a second. I held onto his cock with my hand as I said, "Hey, do me too." Then I slid him back inside.

He _was_ blowjobbing. But not deepthroating. I felt him take a deep breath around my cock, then slowly push in farther. Deeper … deeper … almost there … almost … YESSSSS. Unf. All the way. My balls were on Canada's chin. Because I was BALLS DEEP.

I take it back. This spray rules :'D

I bucked my hips down into his mouth. Encouraging him to start moving again. He grunted (can't make too many other sounds with a cock down your throat) and finally did so. He slid me out and back in. Then he started a pace that matched mine.

So then we were laying there, on my kitchen floor, covered in dry paint, me in green and Canada in brown, furiously bobbing our heads and going down on each other.

It was glorious. Felt so good, mmm. Canada was whimpering around my cock. I wondered if he was close, seeing how he was making such crazy noises. He also started popping his hips up, trying to get even more.

But then I heard a sound. A song. A distressed song. Of musical beeps.

MY SCOOBA D:

Oh no! It's in distress! I glanced around, Canada's cock still in my mouth, and saw that it was stuck in a corner. It sounded so upset!

I let Canada's cock flop out of my mouth. "Oh no!" I exclaimed. "I'll save you!"

"NO!" Canada said very quickly, my cock also flopping out. "I'm almost there!"

"But my wittle baby—" I didn't finish because Canada guided himself back into my mouth. Interrupted by a penis! That's rude manners.

"Please, please_, please_ finish before you get up," Canada begged. "I'm really, really close."

Okay, that's a little more polite. I mean, he said please. So I felt I had to oblige. Since he said he was close, I knew it wouldn't take long. But as I kept going I couldn't help but think about my Scooba — MY PRECIOUS BAAAABY! It is upset :(

Canada hadn't even started on me again. He was moaning and clawing at the sticky kitchen floor.

"Ohhhh … Americaaaaa …" he whimpered.

And I knew he was cumming. From his voice. Because I couldn't feel it down my throat! Not with that spray numbing everything. But that's probably for the best. He was pretty deep in my throat when he came, so I might have choked. That and it blocked the taste! Jizz doesn't exactly taste like marshmallows. (Though some bras do.)

When he was finished, he went slack against the floor with a big sigh. He fell out of my mouth.

I swallowed down the wad. Not much point in spitting if I can't taste it anyway, am I right?

"Finish meeee," I pouted. Sorry Scooba. But I was very close now too …

"Oh, sorry," said Canada. He slurped me back into his mouth.

"Ohh …" I moaned, almost losing balance over him. I caught myself with my arm. It just felt so good nngggh …

Then it felt REALLY good because I gasmed all up in his mouth. He didn't even flinch. Thanks oral antiseptic throat spray! :D You rock my socks.

AND help get my rocks off ;)

No, he kept bobbing up and down my cock all the way through my orgasm. No pulling away too early because he was choking. Because he wasn't! He kept going until I was done and collapsed on the floor beside him.

"Wow," I said, lying there panting. "That was some good 69ing."

Canada didn't reply. He just lay there with a dopey grin on his face, letting a bit of cum dribble down his chin. I think he liked it too ;)

Then I remembered. OH CRAP. My Scooba! I quickly hopped up and ran over to it. "My baby!" I exclaimed as I picked it up. "Are you okay?"

It made some affirmative noises. It's always appreciative of me saving it!

"Good," I said, hugging it. "I love you."

But that's enough hugging. I set it on the floor. "Go, Scooba. You got a mess to clean up."

Canada and me made quite a mess! With that paint. Luckily not with cum though, since we swallowed most of that. Though that wouldn't be the first time Scooba had cleaned up semen. One time I fapped to that cool movie The Human Centipede and when I came I couldn't find where I shot my load. But Scooba sure did!

"Next time …" said Canada, still with his eyes shut. "We should do it … in my new vibrating chair."

"Hmm, okey," I said. "But I bought one more thing from Spencer's."

He opened his eyes. "You did? What is it?"

"Actually, I bought two of them. To help us get by when you go back to your own country."

"Eh?"

"The Clone Your Guy thing," I said with a big grin. "We're gonna mold each other's penises!"

Custom dildos for the win! :D

(The end!)

(Spencer's should pay me money for the free advertising in this, am I right?)

(Okay, real the end!)


End file.
